The latest from the twins

Fireworks

Sat, 24 Apr 2010 18:39:40 +0000

Good: Well, we're going to take a break from Sand Camp- which, by the way, we'll be leaving soon- and talk to you about fireworks.

Evil: Kids, Fireworks are important. Not only are they beautiful, but we've always felt that firewarks are, well,

Good: Fireworks are like cathedrals. They are a physical object designed to convey an entirely spritual or psychological experience.

Evil: (glares at Good.)*i* was going to say that they were like flame wars... they aren't any fun until something blows up!!!

Good: (undaunted) The National Council on Fireworks Safety has a few recommendations, which we're going to discuss.

For example: Always read and follow label directions.

Wicked: (reading label) "Thank you for you choose lucky fire work from us. Not to be eat, do not point to body. (she points to evil, still holding the firework in her other hand.)

Evil:Have an adult present. (looks around) Damn. I'll go grab somebody. (she leaves. Sound of someone being forcibly abducted from the sidewalk outside)

Good: Well, i guess we'll just go on with the lesson... "Buy from reliable sellers!" (looks at wicked) Wicked, where did you buy that firecracker?

(Wicked shrugs.)

Wicked: Crazy Achmed's Guns & Combustibles, Ltd.

Good: Well, there we are, then. He might be dumb enough to eat plutonium, but he's NEVER sold us shoddy explosives.

(she examines the list again.)

"Use outdoors only."

Wicked: What about the 'In' Door?

Good: It says, "Use Outdoors only."

Wicked: That's going to cause some confusion.

Good: Hey, it's the National Council on Fireworks Safety talking.

(Wicked shrugs. She puts down the firework and gets a hammer from the workbench. Good puts down the list, picks up some nails, and they go to work boarding up the "In" door.

Good picks up her list again.

Good: "Always have water handy (a garden hose and a bucket). "

Wicked: We can do better than that.

(sounds of kicking and swearing are heard at the "In" door. Several boards shatter, but then a thoroughly disgruntled Evil stalks in the "Out" door, carrying a tied up revolutionary war re-enactor.

Evil stares at the boards over the "In" door.

Good:(holding up the list by way of explanation.) It says, "Never use In Doors."

(Evil walks over, examines the list, raises her eyebrows and nods. The revolutionary looks around unhappily.)

Good: "Never experiment with or make your own fireworks."

Evil: Never. (shakes her head.) Not when it's so handy to have someone else do the work- and the trial runs. We ALWAYS hire the best. (turning to Wicked) Did Crazy Achmed come through with the goods?

(Wicked holds up the firework, and points to an invoice on the table for several crates more.)

Good: "Light only one firework at a time." /p>

Evil: If the fireworks you buy are big enough, one at a time is ALL you need...

Wicked: Who's got the zippo?

Good: I think YOU do.

(Wicked sets down the firework carefully on the table and frisks her pockets and boots. She pauses for a moment, thinks carefully, and pulls the zippo out of her sleeve.)

Good: "Never re-light a "dud" firework (wait 15 to 20 minutes and then soak it in a bucket of water). "

Evil: Too true. Can't tell you how many times i've turned my back on a dud only to have it go off...

Wicked: Fifty-seven.

(Evil glares at her.)

Good: "Never give fireworks to small children."

Evil: Absolutely true. They might eat them and choke.

Wicked: Or drop them and they'd go out.

Evil: Or they might aim them in the wrong direction.

Wicked: If they aren't old enough to own a zippo, a pocketknife, or a sabre, DON'T give them anything that's ON FIRE.

Evil: That's right. No one under three.

Good: "If necessary, store fireworks in a cool, dry place." Are ours safe?

Wicked: I put them in the fireworks shed. It's climate controlled.

Good: "Dispose of fireworks properly by SOAKING them in water and then disposing of them in your trashcan." This only works if you make completely sure they're soaked, and even so, i would advocate putting them someplace other than the household rubbish bin inside.

Evil: That's oke. We always use the neighbours' anyway.

Good: Never throw or point fireworks at other people.

Evil: There is NO such thing as an unloaded gun, and no such thing as an unlit firework. (she sighs happily) At least, not in my ideal world...

Good: "Never carry fireworks in your pocket. "

Evil: Does it say anything about anyone else's pocket?

Good:(checking the document) Nope. We're clear. "Never shoot fireworks in metal or glass containers." DON'T SHOOT THEM FROM YOUR CAR.

Evil: Or your tank.

wicked: Or your giant glass milk bottle.

Good: Maybe they mean tin cans and glass bottles, too? Well, better safe than sorry.

Evil: Speak for yourself.

Good: "The shooter should always wear eye protection and never have any part of the body over the firework."

(The twins all put on their safety goggles.)

in unison: Check!

Good: "Stay away from illegal explosives."

Evil: Good point. What's legal can be plenty fun, and since we know crazy achmed won't sell to you, we strongly recommend sticking with legal suppliers. (to wocked) How are his radiation burns?

Wicked: They're getting better. This week he ate a blasting cap.

(Evil shrugs.)

Good: Remember, if you're going to go see fireworks, stay away from the area where they're being set off, and don't touch anything that comes your way and is on fire. (to the other two) So... who wants to run the fire hose? (She remembers the revolutionary soldier, who is attempting to struggle with the duct tape.) Um... Evil... Could you bring the adult? Wicked, you get to run the hose.

Wicked: Woohoooo!! I am a fire department of ooooonnne!!!! (She begins making siren sounds. Good folds up her list and puts it in her pocket. Evil picks up her soldier, who struggles slightly. They all leave through the "out" door, heading for the shed.)

HomeEc

Sat, 24 Apr 2010 18:26:31 +0000

(Good and Evil sit in the living room. Good is knitting a sweater, and Evil is building a small wooden cage.

Evil: I haven't seen Wicked or Mr. Henries around anywhere today.

Good: Oh, they're in the kitchen. She has to finish her home ec projects before school lets out for summer holiday, so she's baking a cake. Hey, that cage is coming along well. Where'd you learn that again?

Evil: (She drops her hammer.) Wicked's in the kitchen?

Good: Yes, they've been there for two hours.

Evil: This is all that videogame's fault!

Good: Oh, i'm sure that it has nothing to do with -

Wicked: (shouting from the kitchen) CAKE FOR THE ZOMBIE HORDES OF DESTRUCTION!!! (An electric mixer switches on. Evil raises an eyebrow at Good.)

Evil: You were saying?

(Wicked comes bounding out of the kitchen, wearing an apron the reads, "NOT TO EXCEED 55 PSI," and a chef's hat, which has a long feather plume jammed into it. She's closely followed by Mr. Henries, whose apron reads, "Do not back up: severe tyre damage.")

Wicked: Cake!

Evil: Is it done?

Wicked: It's baking!

Good: What kind of cake is it?

Wicked: For eating, not for exploding. Vanilla cake with chocolate frosting. (Mr. Henries makes a whuffling sound.) And vodka cherries.

Evil: Ooooh.

Good:(approvingly) Those home ec classes are really paying off.

Evil: Oh, she didn't learn that in school.

Good: No?

Wicked: In school i learned merengues!

Good: ...merengues are good...

Wicked: EVIL merengues! With extra fiendish custard!

Good: Well, that explains what happened to my cookie sheets, at any rate.

Evil: Why are you baking cake?

Wicked: It's for dessert! We have to make a whole meal! (she hands them each a card) And get comment cards filled in.

Evil: Can't we just fill in the cards now?

Good: No. I'm curious to see what's for dinner.

Evil: Remember that i'm the one who offered us the easy way out!

Good: (sweetly, turning to Wicked) What time is dinner being served?

Wicked: Eight o'clock! Formal dress is required! (Good opens her mouth to speak, but Wicked points at her sternly) NOT pants! Pants are NOT required! (she stamps her foot, emphatically. Mr. Henries nods.)

Good: (meekly) May i wear them anyway?

(Wicked nods.)

Wicked: Yes. You may wear as many pairs as you wish. (A crash is heard from the kitchen, and Wicked runs back to her food preparation.)

Good: This should be...

Evil: ...FASCINATING.

(The table is lit by about thirty lights, including three tins of sterno, a flashlight, a menorah, two electric candles, a miniature hula doll lashed to a chunk of wood and set on fire, and some wax fruit that had been wrapped in oily rags, stuck on metal skewers, and set ablaze. Evil wanders in, wearing her usual leather ballgown, followed by Good, who wears a tuxedo.)

Evil: (looking around) Well, she's thorough.

Good: Nice use of wax fruit.

Evil: Hey, at least it isn't being served as dessert.

(Wicked arrives from the kitchen, in a Shirley Temple-style dress with her pirate's hat and cutlass. Mr. Henries has his monocle on, with a top hat, tuxedo jacket and shirt, and- rather inexplicably- white spats. Wicked sets down a tray.)

Good: You both look charming!

(Mr. Henries bows. Wicked curtsies, then jumps up and down, pointing at the tray. She turns around and runs back into the kitchen. Mr. Henries nods at the tray and follows her.)

Good: (examining the tray) Grape jelly and processed cheese spread?

Evil: (taking a look) On animal cookies. I think this is meant to be hors d'oeuvres.

Good: Grapes, cheese, crackers?

Evil: Mind you, i'm not saying for sure.

Good: Look, she even printed menus. (she hands Evil a printed card.) Erm, do you suppose, 'avec le gravier' is a typo for 'gravy'? Gravy would be something like, 'sauce au jus,' wouldn't it?

Evil: Only if, 'oignon carbonise' is also a typo.

Good: I'm just pleased to note the absence of potatoes trebuchet- no, wait, here they are. (she sighs)

Evil: Of course they are, they're a required element. "trebuchet pommes de terre, avec la sauce au jus de vol."

Good: Right. Of course.

Evil: I think i'll be having the 'quesadillas con la agresion.'

Good: I think i'll go with... chef's surprise.

Evil: You're brave.

Good: She's worked so hard on this.

Evil: Oh, what the hell.

(Wicked sticks her head out of the kitchen)

Wicked: Two chef's surprise! (she bounds out of the kitchen, setting down a wooden bowl and a loaf of cornbread.) Green salad! (she runs back to the kitchen. Evil peers into the bowl.)

Good: Is it-

Evil: It's green.

Good: What kind of green?

Evil: Well, there's some green M&Ms, some green fruit-flavoured cereal bits, some lettuce, some green mints, a lime- (she takes the whole, unpeeled lime out of the bowl.) That looks like some celery. It's GREEN.

(They idly pick at the collection while they wait for their food and watch the things on the table burn.

Good: So the marathon was this past week.

Evil: Did Mr. Henries try to run again?

Good: He tried. This time they disqualified him over his age. You have to be eighteen to run. Apparently he's only six.

Evil: Well, isn't that about eighteen in camel years?

Good: Closer to twenty-five, i should think.

Evil: It's always something. Remember when he volunteered to pull a chariot in the wheelchair race?

(Wicked comes out with a tray, and sets a covered dish down in front of each of them, setting an additional place for herself and Mr. Henries.)

Wicked: Chef's surprise! (Mr. Henries lifts one of the dish-covers with a flourish, holding the handle in his mouth)

Evil: (bravely closing her eyes and taking a bite) Oh, my gods.

Good: Now, Evil-

Evil: No, i mean OH MY GODS. (Good opens her mouth to scold her, and Evil places a forkful of what looks to be cheese souffle cockaigne into her mouth before she can speak.)

Good: (sounding startled) oh. Oh, my.

Wicked: Surprise!

Good: Wicked, this... this is wonderful!

(Wicked nods sagely, sitting down and taking off her hat.)

Wicked: And cake is for dessert!

Good: The non-poisoned, non-exploding kind?!

Wicked: Of course, silly! I still need you to fill out the comment cards!

RaptorFlu

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 19:24:55 +0000

(Good is lying on the couch, amid a flutter of tissues.)

Good:   (sniffling) Is there any juice in the house?

Evil:    (from the kitchen) Yes, but there’s vodka in it!

Good:    Why does our juice always have vodka in it?.

Evil:    (coming into the living room with a glass of juice and vodka, and a bottle of sports drink.) Because Wicked got to it first. I’d have used wood grain alcohol.

Good: But I only want juice!

Evil:     You get SportsAid, unboozed. It's the only drink in the house withut something else in it.

Good:   (grumbling) Thank you.

Evil:     This is good for you, right?

Good: What?

Evil:     The suffering thing. It makes you more good, right?

Good:   Hmph.

Evil:     Because I know a lot of people whom I’d like to improve, quite a bit, that way...

Good: Shut up. (She turns on the tv.)

Evil:     What? You don’t watch TV! You said it’s... it’s... (fishing in her pocket for a piece of paper) “the senseless anodyne of an infected populace.”

Good: Exactly. I am now the infected populace. And you don't want to get between me and my anodyne. Now, shut up and let me watch my    stories, or when my temperature drops below 102, I’m going to keelhaul you.

Evil:     Right, then!

    (Wicked bursts through the door, with Mr. Henries in tow. She carries a big shopping bag.)

Evil:     Did you get flu supplies?

Wicked: We sure did! (she takes a set of test tubes and vials out of the bag.) Instant epidemic! Not very fatal, but certainly annoying.

Good: I meant for me!

Wicked:  But you’ve already got- Oh, right! (she rummages in the bag.) We got those too. Here! (she takes out a banner, a batman mask, a hockey goalie glove, a baseball glove, and a bottle of orange juice.)

Good:    Is that juice?

Wicked: Yes. But it’s got vodka in it. (She shakes the bottle.)

Good:    Vodka is not good for the flu!

Wicked:   (brightly) Not yet, anyway! (she holds up a vial) Let me just get a sample-

Good:     NO!

Wicked: (Crossly) Oh, all right. (she picks up several of Good’s tissues and puts them in the shopping bag. She unrolls the banner, which reads, “HAPPY RAPTOR FLU!”)

Good:     Raptor flu? I thought this was supposed to be-

Evil:     Would you rather have a virus named after a pig, a bird, or a dinosaur?

Good:     Raptor flu it is!

Evil:       So this is your face mask? (She picks up the Batman mask.)

Wicked: Yeah. I looked for a KISS mask but they were out. No Spiderman, no dead presidents...

Good:    I think your concept of “flu prevention” needs work.

Wicked: “Prevention?”

   (Evil grins.)

Good: NO.

Evil:    But suffering is good for you! It purifies!

Good:    I’ve been making you suffer for years, it hasn’t helped.

Evil:    Sure it has! I’m much purer evil than when we started.

Wicked: What am I?

Good:     In trouble. Go to your room.

Wicked:     Okay! (she cheerfully gathers up the test tubes)

Good: Not your lab!

Evil: Here, let me help you with that.

Good: Wicked, why would you want to spread the flu?

Wicked: I don’t know. It seemed more efficient than a rickroll. (She sniffles)

Evil:    She’s got a point.

Wicked: A point? I’ve got lancets!

Good:     (to Evil) Am i going to have to separate you two?

Evil:     When you’re strong enough, we’ll talk about it. Here, have some more juice. (she hands good the orange juice. Good quietly puts it on the floor. Mr. Henries picks it back up and wanders into the kitchen.)

Good:     Is he-

Evil:     I would love to know how that camel keeps getting the bottlecaps unscrewed.

Wicked:    (changing the subject) Why is the TV on?

Evil:    Good did it.

Wicked:     (to Good) But you don’t watch television!

Good:    Shut up. I have a fever of 103 and no juice.

Wicked:     So you could be delirious right now, and never know what we were actually up to?

Good:    No.

Wicked:     Damn. She’s never delirious.

Evil:     Not if she ‘s smart... (she examines the gloves) We’re going to need better gear than this.

    (Wicked sneezes)

Good:    It’s a good thing for you two that this doesn’t last long.

Wicked: What do you mean?

Good:    Well, if you wanted to spread it, you’ve come to the right place. I’ve been infected three days. You’ve almost certainly caught it by now.

Wicked:  I didn’t want to CATCH it.

Good:     Oh, you’re going to catch it, all right. I’m going to take away your lab privileges for a month. But in addition, I’m pretty    sure you have the flu.

Wicked: No Raptor Flu for me! (She runs out of the room. Mr. Henries follows from the kitchen, bringing the orange juice.)

Good:     Hmph. (She changes channels.)

Evil:    I suppose you’re going to tell me I’ve caught it, too?

Good: You may be pure evil, but you don’t seem to comprehend vectors of infection very well. You’ve been in the house three days with a sick person. Did you think you’d avoid it?

Evil:     Well... yes. Evil isn’t supposed to get the flu.

Good:   Of course. (She passes the tissues.) And evil isn't going to whine, either. (She changes the channel again.) “Republic    of Orcas,” or “Sweet Science University?”

Evil:    Is “Passions of a Lab Rat” still running?

Good:    Dr. Mole finally learned his own secret identity last week!

Wicked: (Stomping back into the room) Does he know about the radiation leak?

Good:     Not yet! If you get someone to bring in some unadulterated juice, I’ll share the couch!

    (Wicked picks up the phone and the tissues. Mr. Henries, wearing a facemask, quietly hangs a sign on the door reading “Quarantine.”)