(Good and Evil sit in the living room. Good is knitting a sweater, and Evil is building a small wooden cage.
Evil: I haven't seen Wicked or Mr. Henries around anywhere today.
Good: Oh, they're in the kitchen. She has to finish her home ec projects before school lets out for summer holiday, so she's baking a cake. Hey, that cage is coming along well. Where'd you learn that again?
Evil: (She drops her hammer.) Wicked's in the kitchen?
Good: Yes, they've been there for two hours.
Evil: This is all that videogame's fault!
Good: Oh, i'm sure that it has nothing to do with -
Wicked: (shouting from the kitchen) CAKE FOR THE ZOMBIE HORDES OF DESTRUCTION!!! (An electric mixer switches on. Evil raises an eyebrow at Good.)
Evil: You were saying?
(Wicked comes bounding out of the kitchen, wearing an apron the reads, "NOT TO EXCEED 55 PSI," and a chef's hat, which has a long feather plume jammed into it. She's closely followed by Mr. Henries, whose apron reads, "Do not back up: severe tyre damage.")
Wicked: Cake!
Evil: Is it done?
Wicked: It's baking!
Good: What kind of cake is it?
Wicked: For eating, not for exploding. Vanilla cake with chocolate frosting. (Mr. Henries makes a whuffling sound.) And vodka cherries.
Evil: Ooooh.
Good:(approvingly) Those home ec classes are really paying off.
Evil: Oh, she didn't learn that in school.
Good: No?
Wicked: In school i learned merengues!
Good: ...merengues are good...
Wicked: EVIL merengues! With extra fiendish custard!
Good: Well, that explains what happened to my cookie sheets, at any rate.
Evil: Why are you baking cake?
Wicked: It's for dessert! We have to make a whole meal! (she hands them each a card) And get comment cards filled in.
Evil: Can't we just fill in the cards now?
Good: No. I'm curious to see what's for dinner.
Evil: Remember that i'm the one who offered us the easy way out!
Good: (sweetly, turning to Wicked) What time is dinner being served?
Wicked: Eight o'clock! Formal dress is required! (Good opens her mouth to speak, but Wicked points at her sternly) NOT pants! Pants are NOT required! (she stamps her foot, emphatically. Mr. Henries nods.)
Good: (meekly) May i wear them anyway?
(Wicked nods.)
Wicked: Yes. You may wear as many pairs as you wish. (A crash is heard from the kitchen, and Wicked runs back to her food preparation.)
Good: This should be...
Evil: ...FASCINATING.
(The table is lit by about thirty lights, including three tins of sterno, a flashlight, a menorah, two electric candles, a miniature hula doll lashed to a chunk of wood and set on fire, and some wax fruit that had been wrapped in oily rags, stuck on metal skewers, and set ablaze. Evil wanders in, wearing her usual leather ballgown, followed by Good, who wears a tuxedo.)
Evil: (looking around) Well, she's thorough.
Good: Nice use of wax fruit.
Evil: Hey, at least it isn't being served as dessert.
(Wicked arrives from the kitchen, in a Shirley Temple-style dress with her pirate's hat and cutlass. Mr. Henries has his monocle on, with a top hat, tuxedo jacket and shirt, and- rather inexplicably- white spats. Wicked sets down a tray.)
Good: You both look charming!
(Mr. Henries bows. Wicked curtsies, then jumps up and down, pointing at the tray. She turns around and runs back into the kitchen. Mr. Henries nods at the tray and follows her.)
Good: (examining the tray) Grape jelly and processed cheese spread?
Evil: (taking a look) On animal cookies. I think this is meant to be hors d'oeuvres.
Good: Grapes, cheese, crackers?
Evil: Mind you, i'm not saying for sure.
Good: Look, she even printed menus. (she hands Evil a printed card.) Erm, do you suppose, 'avec le gravier' is a typo for 'gravy'? Gravy would be something like, 'sauce au jus,' wouldn't it?
Evil: Only if, 'oignon carbonise' is also a typo.
Good: I'm just pleased to note the absence of potatoes trebuchet- no, wait, here they are. (she sighs)
Evil: Of course they are, they're a required element. "trebuchet pommes de terre, avec la sauce au jus de vol."
Good: Right. Of course.
Evil: I think i'll be having the 'quesadillas con la agresion.'
Good: I think i'll go with... chef's surprise.
Evil: You're brave.
Good: She's worked so hard on this.
Evil: Oh, what the hell.
(Wicked sticks her head out of the kitchen)
Wicked: Two chef's surprise! (she bounds out of the kitchen, setting down a wooden bowl and a loaf of cornbread.) Green salad! (she runs back to the kitchen. Evil peers into the bowl.)
Good: Is it-
Evil: It's green.
Good: What kind of green?
Evil: Well, there's some green M&Ms, some green fruit-flavoured cereal bits, some lettuce, some green mints, a lime- (she takes the whole, unpeeled lime out of the bowl.) That looks like some celery. It's GREEN.
(They idly pick at the collection while they wait for their food and watch the things on the table burn.Good: So the marathon was this past week.
Evil: Did Mr. Henries try to run again?
Good: He tried. This time they disqualified him over his age. You have to be eighteen to run. Apparently he's only six.
Evil: Well, isn't that about eighteen in camel years?
Good: Closer to twenty-five, i should think.
Evil: It's always something. Remember when he volunteered to pull a chariot in the wheelchair race?
(Wicked comes out with a tray, and sets a covered dish down in front of each of them, setting an additional place for herself and Mr. Henries.)
Wicked: Chef's surprise! (Mr. Henries lifts one of the dish-covers with a flourish, holding the handle in his mouth)
Evil: (bravely closing her eyes and taking a bite) Oh, my gods.
Good: Now, Evil-
Evil: No, i mean OH MY GODS. (Good opens her mouth to scold her, and Evil places a forkful of what looks to be cheese souffle cockaigne into her mouth before she can speak.)
Good: (sounding startled) oh. Oh, my.
Wicked: Surprise!
Good: Wicked, this... this is wonderful!
(Wicked nods sagely, sitting down and taking off her hat.)
Wicked: And cake is for dessert!
Good: The non-poisoned, non-exploding kind?!
Wicked: Of course, silly! I still need you to fill out the comment cards!
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