Good: Well, we're going to take a break from Sand Camp- which, by the way, we'll be leaving soon- and talk to you about fireworks.
Evil: Kids, Fireworks are important. Not only are they beautiful, but we've always felt that firewarks are, well,
Good: Fireworks are like cathedrals. They are a physical object designed to convey an entirely spritual or psychological experience.
Evil: (glares at Good.)*i* was going to say that they were like flame wars... they aren't any fun until something blows up!!!
Good: (undaunted) The National Council on Fireworks Safety has a few recommendations, which we're going to discuss.
For example: Always read and follow label directions.
Wicked: (reading label) "Thank you for you choose lucky fire work from us. Not to be eat, do not point to body. (she points to evil, still holding the firework in her other hand.)
Evil:Have an adult present. (looks around) Damn. I'll go grab somebody. (she leaves. Sound of someone being forcibly abducted from the sidewalk outside)
Good: Well, i guess we'll just go on with the lesson... "Buy from reliable sellers!" (looks at wicked) Wicked, where did you buy that firecracker?
(Wicked shrugs.)
Wicked: Crazy Achmed's Guns & Combustibles, Ltd.
Good: Well, there we are, then. He might be dumb enough to eat plutonium, but he's NEVER sold us shoddy explosives.
(she examines the list again.)
"Use outdoors only."
Wicked: What about the 'In' Door?
Good: It says, "Use Outdoors only."
Wicked: That's going to cause some confusion.
Good: Hey, it's the National Council on Fireworks Safety talking.
(Wicked shrugs. She puts down the firework and gets a hammer from the workbench. Good puts down the list, picks up some nails, and they go to work boarding up the "In" door.
Good picks up her list again.
Good: "Always have water handy (a garden hose and a bucket). "
Wicked: We can do better than that.
(sounds of kicking and swearing are heard at the "In" door. Several boards shatter, but then a thoroughly disgruntled Evil stalks in the "Out" door, carrying a tied up revolutionary war re-enactor.
Evil stares at the boards over the "In" door.
Good:(holding up the list by way of explanation.) It says, "Never use In Doors."
(Evil walks over, examines the list, raises her eyebrows and nods. The revolutionary looks around unhappily.)
Good: "Never experiment with or make your own fireworks."
Evil: Never. (shakes her head.) Not when it's so handy to have someone else do the work- and the trial runs. We ALWAYS hire the best. (turning to Wicked) Did Crazy Achmed come through with the goods?
(Wicked holds up the firework, and points to an invoice on the table for several crates more.)
Good: "Light only one firework at a time." /p>
Evil: If the fireworks you buy are big enough, one at a time is ALL you need...
Wicked: Who's got the zippo?
Good: I think YOU do.
(Wicked sets down the firework carefully on the table and frisks her pockets and boots. She pauses for a moment, thinks carefully, and pulls the zippo out of her sleeve.)
Good: "Never re-light a "dud" firework (wait 15 to 20 minutes and then soak it in a bucket of water). "
Evil: Too true. Can't tell you how many times i've turned my back on a dud only to have it go off...
Wicked: Fifty-seven.
(Evil glares at her.)
Good: "Never give fireworks to small children."
Evil: Absolutely true. They might eat them and choke.
Wicked: Or drop them and they'd go out.
Evil: Or they might aim them in the wrong direction.
Wicked: If they aren't old enough to own a zippo, a pocketknife, or a sabre, DON'T give them anything that's ON FIRE.
Evil: That's right. No one under three.
Good: "If necessary, store fireworks in a cool, dry place." Are ours safe?
Wicked: I put them in the fireworks shed. It's climate controlled.
Good: "Dispose of fireworks properly by SOAKING them in water and then disposing of them in your trashcan." This only works if you make completely sure they're soaked, and even so, i would advocate putting them someplace other than the household rubbish bin inside.
Evil: That's oke. We always use the neighbours' anyway.
Good: Never throw or point fireworks at other people.
Evil: There is NO such thing as an unloaded gun, and no such thing as an unlit firework. (she sighs happily) At least, not in my ideal world...
Good: "Never carry fireworks in your pocket. "
Evil: Does it say anything about anyone else's pocket?
Good:(checking the document) Nope. We're clear. "Never shoot fireworks in metal or glass containers." DON'T SHOOT THEM FROM YOUR CAR.
Evil: Or your tank.
wicked: Or your giant glass milk bottle.
Good: Maybe they mean tin cans and glass bottles, too? Well, better safe than sorry.
Evil: Speak for yourself.
Good: "The shooter should always wear eye protection and never have any part of the body over the firework."
(The twins all put on their safety goggles.)
in unison: Check!
Good: "Stay away from illegal explosives."
Evil: Good point. What's legal can be plenty fun, and since we know crazy achmed won't sell to you, we strongly recommend sticking with legal suppliers. (to wocked) How are his radiation burns?
Wicked: They're getting better. This week he ate a blasting cap.
(Evil shrugs.)
Good: Remember, if you're going to go see fireworks, stay away from the area where they're being set off, and don't touch anything that comes your way and is on fire. (to the other two) So... who wants to run the fire hose? (She remembers the revolutionary soldier, who is attempting to struggle with the duct tape.) Um... Evil... Could you bring the adult? Wicked, you get to run the hose.
Wicked: Woohoooo!! I am a fire department of ooooonnne!!!! (She begins making siren sounds. Good folds up her list and puts it in her pocket. Evil picks up her soldier, who struggles slightly. They all leave through the "out" door, heading for the shed.)
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